Updated: Apr 20
Have you ever found yourself saying something to yourself (or your kids) that is less than kind or helpful?
“What is your problem!?”
“Why can’t you get this?”
“Are you stupid or something?”
"Will you ever learn?"
"Who do you think you are? You can't do that!"
The words that you heard as a child - whether you consciously remember them or not - became hardwired into your brain as your own inner voice. And your inner voice becomes the voice you speak aloud - to yourself and to your kids. These words then become THEIR inner voice....you see where I am going with this? Words really do matter. And when you blow it (because we ALL do and will continue doing so as long as we live here on this earth) admitting that you did and asking for forgiveness can help heal relationships and break this cycle!
Read on to discover three ways to do it differently!
#1 RECOGNIZE your self-talk:
Here's the thing: You can''t change what you don't first recognize! So the first thing you need to do is to recognize the kinds of things you are telling yourself: Are you encouraging to yourself - "I can do this!" Or, are you discouraging to yourself - "Why do I even try? I always mess up!" Do you say things to yourself that would make you feel angry if you heard someone saying that about your best friend...or your child....or your spouse?
Do you know you have inherit value and worth? No matter WHAT you've done or failed to do. YOU. MATTER. You were made in the image of God (Genesis 1:26-27). You were not a mistake! Your parents may not have planned you, but rest assured, God certainly did. He knew you and all of your days before you were even born (Psalm 139:16).
If you are struggling to even know what your inner voice is telling you, I suggest you start with mindfulness practice (click here for more information).
Mindfulness is simply noticing what you are doing, feeling, or thinking in the moment you are doing, feeling, or thinking it.
Being aware of what you are doing, feeling, or thinking will help you hear your own inner voice. Your words are so important but please know that THEY CAN ONLY CHANGE if you first become aware of what they ARE.
#2 IDENTIFY your emotions:
Next (but going along with recognizing your self-talk), is identifying your emotions. This must be done without worrying about why you feel this or that way. Whatever you identify is OK - just aim to simply recognize it right now. Spend some quiet time breathing in and out and searching for words that describe your feelings right now in this moment. Start with just a three-to-five-minute-moment each day and work up to doing this several times a day. Hey, why not start right now?
Read through this list and see what "fits" you in this moment we're in right now:
ANGRY & APATHETIC - annoyed - aggravated - appalled - bitter - crabby - critical - disgusted - detached - frustrated - impatient - indifferent - irritated - livid - offended - resentful - sarcastic
SHAME & GUILT - awkward - embarrassed - disgraced - humiliated - intimidated - mortified - regretful - remorseful - self-conscious - sheepish - speechless - withdrawn
FEAR, ANXIETY & PANIC - alert - cautious - concerned - confused - edgy - indecisive - insecure - nervous - rattled - shocked - suspicious - timid - uneasy - watchful - worried
JEALOUSY & ENVY - covetous - demanding - desirous - disbelieving - distrustful - gluttonous - greedy - insecure - jealous - possessive - protective - resentful - suspicious
HAPPINESS & JOY -blissful - cheerful - confident - delighted - encouraged - excited - exhilarated - friendly - giddy - hopeful - lively - optimistic - peaceful - playful - pleased - satisfied
SADNESS & GRIEF - anguished - bereaved - bleak - contemplative - disappointed - disconnected - discouraged - heartbroken - hopeless - inconsolable - listless - low - weepy
DEPRESSION - agonized - bleak - crushed - devastated - discouraged - disinterested - drained - empty - flat - helpless - isolated - lethargic - miserable - pessimistic - worthless
OK. So have you got it? Do you know if your inner voice or self-talk is critical or complimentary? Are you able to put a name to the emotions you are experiencing? Here's one more activity for you that you can do alone AND with your children. It comes from The Whole-Brain Child by Daniel Siegel
#3 PRACTICE S.I.F.T.ing:
This acronym (S.I.F.T.) stands for - Sensations. Images. Feelings. Thoughts. Just ask yourself (and your kids!) the following questions to encourage an awareness of ourselves, our feelings and thoughts in this present moment.
Sensations - “What sensations do you notice in your body right now?” When I do this in the car with my boys, they’ll say: “The seatbelt digging into my neck” or “The road vibrations under my feet.”
Images- “What are the pictures you see in your mind right now?” My boys like to EAT a lot (they are teenagers now) so they will often say something about food: “Sitting at Panda Express with a yummy bowl in front of me" or "Taking spring rolls out of the oven" or "Pouring a bowl of cereal."
Feelings- “What feelings or emotions do you notice right now?” Usually, we are in a car going to Jiujitsu or because they are going to visit their other family so we get things like, "I feel nervous about practicing the new moves in Jiujitsu today" or "I feel sad because I don’t want to leave home but also excited to see my other family.”
Thoughts- “What are you thinking about or telling yourself right now?” Here's something they both say when we're driving: “I’m thinking that I am glad you are not texting while driving because that’s not safe.” HA! But we also hear things like, "I am wondering what job I'll have when I grow up...where I'll live...what car I'll drive."
I suggest this practice for EVERYONE, but especially for those struggling with anxiety because oftentimes we aren't even aware of those thoughts or images that create anxiety in us! SIFTing helps us recognize feelings, be mindful of what we're thinking about and then, be able to tell ourselves the TRUTH.
For example, if you SIFT with your child at bedtime and she says, “I’m thinking of a big hairy monster in my closet” You can empathize with that scary thought (we ALL have some form of big hairy monsters right?), then help her say a TRUTH to hang onto like “God will never leave or forsake me” or “God is with me always" or even "I know I'm afraid of there being a monster in my closet, but my mom showed me it's not in there and my dad will keep me safe if it ever came back!"
Finally, if you have tried any of these strategies in your home, with your children, or if your own parents practiced these kinds of things with you, please share in the comments below how it has worked for you!
#ConnectPointMoms helps you create stronger relational connections with the children in your life. This starts with being aware of your own stuff so you can BE PRESENT with your children in the moment you're in, and then knowing and using the best ways to communicate with them!